Would you forgive an affair?

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To find out that your partner is cheating, can be painful and hard. But not necessary the end of your relationship. There can be still intimacy in the couple, after finding out that one of you „crossed that line”, as long as you will be able to understand why and how it happened.

That unpleasant moment when you find out.

Nothing is more painful than to find out that the relation you were treasuring so much and that your beloved one, that you thought was only yours, is based on a lie. The pain, the frustration and that feeling of humiliation, can last for a long time, and can ruin a stable relationship.

For some of us, can be more painful to find out that our boyfriend, made love to someone else. Many women forgive this kind of adventures, but feel that all those happy unforgettable moments that you had as a couple, were stepped on.

Why affairs take place?

Affairs don’t just happen. There are causes or situations that made this thing happen, and you need to figure them out, and understand exactly what is the problem. Most of the times, the reason why extra conjugal affairs take place, is because unsolved issues are a constant presence in the relationship. Maybe it is about particular emotions, lost, confusion or frustrations, that pulled the trigger of an affair. Or maybe one of you was feeling ignored, rejected and this was the only way to get some attention from it’s partner.

Why men and women cheat

You don’t have to be an expert to know that in in every couple, issues and frustrations can appear.

For men, frustrations like, the girlfriend forgot how to be sexy, and doesn’t give them as much attention as she used to. Or, she started to gain weight for no apparent reason. She doesn’t enjoy sex as much as she did before. Or she is too possessive or too jealous. She doesn’t  like the same things she did before.

But also, some men, do it for the pleasure of the hunt, and the adrenaline of being discovered.

For women, frustrations like, he started to have a bigger belly, and drinks too much can be a problem. Also, a problem like he is working all the time, and you don’t spend time almost at all can also be a problem. He is more into games or movies than into you. He doesn’t take care of you as he did before, he forgot about romace and flirt, he doesn’t listen anymore.

And women also can cheat, just for that confirmation that they still got it. They also cheat because they are in a desperate need of attention and care.

But yes, when frustration kick is, the easiest but also the most dangerous solution, is to look for attention or admiration in another place, than to face reality, and talk thing over. 

Rebuild the trust

You can re-build that trust, until you will reach that point in your relationship, when you will be a stronger and more intimate couple you have ever been. After the affair is over, you can sit down and talk things over. Talk about everything. What happen, what made your partner look on another way. You will need to keep your frustrations and the pain to yourself, and bring up the calm and empathy. I realize it is easy to say than to do, but maybe the partner has a point. And if you love your partner, and you treasure your relationship, you will have to listen and work it out. You will need to listen to your partner, and find out what are or were it’s feelings in that particular moment when he or she decided to go on with the flirt and the affair, you need to find out how he or she feels in this exact moment, and what is the problem in the your couple.

If one of you will just want to forget what happened, and will not want to talk about the affair, or you just cannot leave aside all that anger, your all relationship might suffer a damage beyond repair.

Communication is the key

You will need to find time to talk, listen and understand the feelings of both. Now, the most appropriate words would be „i love you”, sweet talk and apologize.

Let the past be just  that

For starters, each of you, will have to learn to leave behind all the bad memories. It can’t be that important that your partner had slept with someone else if you decide to forgive and move forward as a couple. There can be forgiveness where the love feelings are strong. Who knows? Maybe someday, you will be in the position when will have to beg for exactly that …forgiveness. Think about the affair as being a sexual experience from it’s past.

As a reminder

Please keep in mind that no one has the perfect recipe for life, relationship, parenting. These are the most difficult tasks humans are given at birth: to find the way that works.

At the end of the day, sit down, take a deep breath, evaluate all your options, and take the best decision for you as a human.

Remember that with every decision you take, comes also the risk of consequence, and you will have to deal with those, on your own.

If you need to clear your mind, to talk so you can have an objective perspective of your situation, and you see me as someone that might help, guide and support you, feel free to contact me via e-mail at: ncraluca@gmail.com, or on Skype. Leave me a message, and we can schedule a short session, that might help you clear your mind, and take the best decision for you as a human.

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Jealousy

 

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The first break-up reason- Jealousy
You think this only happens in movies: Prince Charming, coming out from the bed time stories your mom used to read them when you were a little girl, will shape shift into a bad Ogre , that keeps the beautiful naive princess, locked away in a isolated tower. Maybe you were yourself character in this kind of story, or maybe one of your best friends used to be like that. Maybe you still are, but you are just to frighten or ashamed to recognize the pattern, or maybe you are just afraid to not lose something you were waiting for so much time.
That cocktail of painful feelings of jealousy is just a mix of despair, offense, fear of not losing your love, hostility towards rivals, self-criticism, and possessive pretentions. In the jealousy case, we are not talking about pure unselfish love, but about the demand of being loved.

A few patterns can be mentioned and recognized in this toxic relationship, because, yes, it is toxic.

  1. He will program even the smallest details from your life, not to mention your time, choices and life.
  2. He is bothered by the close relation that you have with your family, and he will consider that as being an obstacle to your happiness as a couple. He will say that your parents have a bad influence on you, and that they will do anything to break you up.
  3. Slowly you find yourself completely isolated from your close ones, so that soon you will not have anyone to go for a simple advice, or to get some help. And he will present that as a normal fact, because he should be the only one you have to communicate with.
  4. You become his own personal toy, which he can „dress” and „undress” however he likes.He will make sure that you will like the colors he does, no cleavage, the skirts will have to be long and with no shape, and if possible wear something sexy ONLY in the house, with him. The toy will always do whatever he likes and whenever he wants. He will make sure you will not have any kinds of objections in any matter.
  5. He will consider all your friends as being good for nothing persons, and there should be no reason for you to keep seeing them.
  6. He doesn’t seem to have any close friend and never goes out for drinks with the boys.
  7. He will refuse any kind of contradictory arguments, and will not admit or apologize for his mistakes. Better yet, he will make sure to turn the situation, so that the only one to be blamed for his actions, is you, and your wrong way of thinking.
  8. If you will complain about he always checking on you, he will present you with a few excuses, so you have to be careful: 1. He loves you so much, that he needs to be in touch all the time. 2. He doesn’t trust you, and he needs to make sure that you are being a good girl. 3. He will ask you to do the same, because that is nothing more than another proof of great love.
  9. This kind of control has no limits, and i am not talking only about present time. He will make clear plans for the future, and at the same time, he feel threatened by your past. So he will make sure, that the future has nothing to do with details from your past. And there should be a few details you can keep in mind: job, home, decorations, car, places you used to visit, people you used to see, vacations.
  10. He never kept any cordial relationships with any of his ex girlfriends, and he will expect the same thing from you, and you better succeed at it.

Please keep in mind that this kind of situation can be applied on the other side: jealous girlfriend, will react almost the same, transforming a beautiful love-story into a horror movie with bad repercussions on emotional evolution for both of the partners. Generally, jealous people over react, because they are constantly dealing with bad issues regarding personal confidence. Better understanding and acknowledgment will make anytime, anywhere a better environment for a good healthy relationship.

A jealous person will always need constant care and attention from it’s partner. So the first thing it should be done, is to work for the necessary environment, for the partner to gain self confidence in his personal abilities. To realize it’s value and potential, and gain  self independence. It is most important for the partners to have their own freedom of movement and action. Try to project a positive image towards your partner. For instance, try to remember the features that you found attractive in your partner in the first place. Stop being a control freak. Try thinking abut evolving you as persons, and you as a couple. The more independent you become, the more that feeling of jealousy will disappear.

Try to remember, that for a tango you need two. But in the tango, one leads and the other follows. The follower will trust the leader, if the leader is worthy of that trust. And the true leader, will accept the  follower, only if the follower is trustworthy. So, gain that trust, and be the best leader, or the best follower you can be, and the dance, well my friend, the dance will be incredible, and will never end.

Remember, no matter your decision, there will always be consequences, and it is up to you to deal with them.

For more support or just to clear your ideas, you can also contact me via e-mail: ncraluca@gmail.com , or via Skype. Leave me a message, and we can schedule a short session that will help you overcome your situation.

 

 

Another chance to the ex

 

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Ok. So you broke up, or divorced, and each of you is moving on with it’s life. But there is still something that keeps you moving on completely. And because he feels the same way too, you decide to give it another try. But, going back to your ex , would be a good idea, or a bad one? And if you think that this relationship has a chance of working out, what steps can you do, so this time, to be in a successful relation?

Break-ups are always difficult and painful

Although you will put an effort into it, and succeed to build up a happy relationship with your ex, the chances of this success depend also on the reason why the break-up happened in the first place.

Those who broke up because of some frustration or stress, will get over it, and realize that they do want to be together. These couples have the most chances to pick up where they left, and make things happen. They have to keep in mind dough, that stress is not a good reason for a couple to break-up, and they will have to work things out by communicating more.

With less chances of success, are those who left unfinished issues, because they didn’t get the chance to tell everything they felt in the moment of breaking-up. The partners in this situation say that they feel like they were drawn to their ex, like a magnet, and admit that they cannot stay away from each other. They feel that they cannot move on, and that they have to be together again, even dough it is about the need for a confirmation for the break-up.

One more try

Of course, if you decided to give it another try with your ex, and you are so happy in each other’s arms, you will be tempted to forget all the problems from the past, and put them under the carpet, and focus only on your future.

Well, this might actually not be a good idea. The problems that you had, can come back. So it is important for you, that before you step in again in the relationship, to talk and solve all the  „tabu” subjects (for example, if you want to have children or not).

It is important that you understand that your partner might have changed since last time you were together. Do not assume that he or she is the same, and especially if some years have passed until the moment you meet again. Time had passed, and he or she might had some experiences you don’t know about, and might affected them in different ways. You have to see him or her, like a new partner, a new relationship, and definitely not one that you pick up from where you left it.

Dangerous moments 

All that time when you were apart, has given you the opportunity to meet other people, and made you realize what went wrong in your relationship, and also that you want to start over.

There are some partners that don’t deserve another chance. A violent partner might be a good example. Another example can be a partner that you don’t feel proper to be next to anymore, and especially if your opinion is confirmed by your friends and family. If everyone thinks like that, it must have some truth in it. So you might take a long time to think before acting.

Some couples have the tendency to break up many times, end up together again, but in the end, that kind of relationship, will take them nowhere.

And if your ex is not getting off your case, and insisting too much with going back together, you have to be clear, and tell him that you need time to think about it before taking any hasty decision.

 

The most important things to remember when you get back with your ex, is the reason WHY you broke up in the first place.  Can you get over it this time? Will your ex change from this point of view? Will you be able to totally forgive? Will you trust your ex again?

 

Think about it, and remember, the decision is yours, but also the consequences that follow.

If you have any doubts, and you feel the need to talk to me for more support, or to just clear your ideas, you can also write to me on my e-mail, ncraluca@gmail.com, or you can schedule a short meeting via Skype. Send me a message about the date and the hour, and we will make it happen!

 

 

The charming perfection

I will start this blog with a poem dear to me, written by one of my closest and dearest friends, that will remain anonymus.

THE NIGHT: A PASSAGE

In dark solitude, love dressed in sadness,

In ruins of heart searched in madness

A glimpse of beloved echo of his voice

Sign of his presence to feel and rejoice

He saw so near, yet, I was away

The desert’s lay in ocean’s way

In humble confusion,

In hopeless obsession

How can you charm

The charming perfection

The beauty in awe, you can’t behold

His will governs, he can’t be told

With nothing to offer, all you desire

The needless one, who has no desire,

In his presence you are at stake

He is the real, you are just fake,

He is the pure, you are impure

He is the one you cannot lure

All these reasons jolted the soul

Clouds mustered on inverted bowl

The ocean of sorrow could not be contained

The lightning went on until it rained

Longing from him, spilled from the eyes

Desperate calls ended in sighs

In that moment all was gone

Night caressed the cheek of dawn

Then came a voice loud and clear

Familiar for ages but heard so rare

You do not exist, but still, you resist

Keeping desires on which you insist

You must lose all, for him to arrive

No world, no possession, just his drive

Lose yourself, and it will be shown,

He enters the harem, where he is alone